An ugly wisdom

In a journey where I’m in searching for enlightenment to peace and love, unexpected voices come along my mind. I listen to fear and sadness.

I listen a part of me grunting and yelling full of anger and hatred
And I saw the other part of me crying in pain, hopeless, feel ashamed and worthless.

The girl with anger is the girl who keeps the heart and truth, the girl who sings the song of mother earth.
The girl in pain is the girl in the surface, the girl who owns the world, the girl with authority, the girl who spread her love and strength to others but walk alone without the girl with the heart. She gets lost in the end.

Here I am, lying on the bed with a headache, skipped my yoga class and crying all alone.
I against myself.
Myself against me.
No, I did not regret for the tears.
It wasn’t a bad one, it was a bliss to realize that I found the other part of me.

I feel ashamed to feel that I know everything about myself while the inner me never been static and always changes.
I feel ashamed to feel that I have power and control over my life while the universe is even more powerful over the life itself.

Once I ask the universe to show me the path into enlightenment
The universe took me into the darkness, fears, confrontation, anger, sadness, loneliness, frustration, guilt and ashamed.
Yes, this is my path into enlightenment, not the path where there are sunshine and Ferrari, not the path where there are laugh and orgasm, not the path where there are a handsome guy and beers.

I keep believing in the universe.
Sometimes wisdom comes in an ugly shape. I came far to Ubud, trying many classes, searching for gurus, invest a lot of money for the trip. Keep an eye for what happens around me. And get no answer.

Today, headache not allowed me to the class. While I’m lying in bed, I found the answer.
And the answer is so simple :
Your heart is your guru, your body is your home, your life is your class.
Your mind and your self is the real enemies.
While you teaching your self at peace, your inner self grows.
And the world will follow you.

Namaste!

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